I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
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