dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
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Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
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its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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