Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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