I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
