Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
