the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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