new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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