To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
