I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Randomize
