You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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