you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
