she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
