So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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