her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Randomize
