dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
She bit a glass in half.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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