I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
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I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
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Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING