I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?