omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
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