When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
