I just pynch a tree in the face
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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