kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
