Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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