you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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