I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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