Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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