I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
