Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
