i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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