Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
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Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
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The paramedics were not my fault this time.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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