after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
The dick lei will go down in squad history
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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