He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
