then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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