the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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