foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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