Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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