Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
