my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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