We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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