Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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