Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
