When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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