I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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