the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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