I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
People in love make me want to vomit
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
