Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
