12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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