Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
