well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize