Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
