the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
