Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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