Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
