Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
