Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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