i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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